Hi. I’m sure you’ve heard the news: Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s twins are here. And now we play the waiting game until the first official photos are released and the baby names are announced.
But what happens if one of the tiny Beys has your name? I’m glad I pretended you asked, because this is where things get serious.
Here’s where you go from there. You may want to sit down for this.
1. Accept that you are no longer you.
At least not in the way you once knew yourself. Over the course of your life, your name gains a reputation to those around you. The mention of this name evokes a strong character impression for people, and that’s something you earn over years of interactions.
But this is all gone. Beyoncé has need of your name.
2. Choose a new name.
Whether you accept it or not, your name has vacated the spiritual residence once known as you. It’s never coming back. But don’t look at this as an end, think of it as a beginning. A new beginning. Not many people get to choose their own name. But that’s exactly what you’ll be doing. Because your name no longer exists for you.
Eventually though, people will learn this new name as they did your previous one, and you’ll once again become a whole person. Which, at the moment, you are not.
3. Choose a new home.
“Home” is a concept you will have to get reacquainted with. You don’t have to physically move away from your current home, but it will never be the same. The moment those mini Beys are given names, and assuming one of those names is the same as yours, you become spiritually homeless. Your essence is siphoned away. Slowly, your familiars will begin to fade and the place you once called home will become alien.
Finding a new place in the universe won’t be easy, but fate has decided that you’re strong enough. Years down the road, perhaps even decades, your belief in “home” will become comfortable again. And though you’ll often wake violently in the night trying to recapture images or ideas of what you once were, some semblance of peace will be yours.
4. Make a new life for yourself.
Take a good, long look in the mirror. The person you see should look like a stranger to you. This is the new you. This mammalian husk is your home now. Within this human suit is where you will be born again. You’ll form new bonds with people and make new memories in the world. Your previous life will be a distant star over the horizon, to all intents and purposes out of reach, but still a tiny twinkling reminder of an infinitely shifting universe.
5. **Alternate plan of action should Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s twins’ names somehow match your first and middle name.**
Your tenure in this universe has completed. It’s time to phase out of this reality and into the next. Good luck on your journey, cosmic adventurer.