The windup, the cuss, the pitch ...
The windup, the cuss, the pitch …

Image: Taetsch/CSM/REX/Shutterstock

So you dream of playing little pro ball, do ya, kiddo? Not afraid to step up the plate with your steely-eyed gaze? You just live for that mano-a-mano duel between pitcher and batter, don’t you? It is, as you love to tell anyone who listens, the purest thing in sports

Well, kid, I used to share your big-league dreams. Then I saw this GIF of Max Scherzer and — nope! I’m good. 

Scherzer, if you’re just hearing his name for the first time, is one of the best pitchers in baseball. On Tuesday night, he struck out 14 Los Angeles Dodgers while leading a Washington Nationals win. 

So yes — Scherzer can deal, as the kids say. But I’m not scared of that. I mean, what’s a little top-notch competition other than an essential element of the big-league dream? No, what scares me about Scherzer is that he’s APPARENTLY A FREAKING PSYCHO ON THE MOUND. 

A couple enterprising Twitter users picked up on an interesting Scherzer habit Tuesday night. Look at this man GROWL CURSE WORDS WHILE STARING AT THE BATTER AS HE PREPARES TO PITCH. 

Deadspin guesstimates that Scherzer is saying “Fucking bastard motherfucker, bitch motherfucker.” I’m not a professional lip reader, but I’ve watched the clip a few times and am inclined to agree that Scherzer is, in fact, saying “Fucking bastard motherfucker, bitch motherfucker.” 

Now here he is doing something similar, again on Tuesday night. 

So, to recap: That’s a 6-foot-3, 215-pound man growling curse words and looking very angry, perhaps even a bit unstable, before he uncorks a pitch traveling in the neighborhood of 95 miles per hour toward another human being. 

And just to revisit the point I made at the top: Yeah, I’m fine not being a part of that whole situation. 

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