The Reunion Show is less than a week away, Basketball Wives star Tami Roman took to her blog to clear up a few things after she watched the season finale of the show. In her blog, Tami talks about Evelyn, why she was so upset, Christ, being real and what a real B.I.T.C.H is.  It’s a long read. but she does say that she doesn’t smoke anymore. Check it out below.

Will the REAL B.I.T.C.H. please stand up!
By Tami Roman

I watched the BBW finale episode twice this week and thought about all that went down. Man…there are a couple of things that I want to address before I get to the heart of this blog. First, I am so glad that I do NOT smoke anymore. I really looked at myself and geez that was so unattractive. Second, I HATED that short haircut! If I EVER, in this lifetime suggest that I might even be thinking of doing that look again, SMACK me – real hard LOL.

OK, down to business…so I watched the episode and I want to be clear about a few things…
I liked Evelyn. Yes, I honestly did enjoy being around her and all of the girls for that matter. They all taught me something about myself in their own way. Just as I hope, I brought some things to life for them. I am not going to say that we are “best friends” because that would be a lie and I do not use the word “friend” lightly. Although, I did feel we were all cool.

The issue about her sleeping with Kenny, I really did not care about that. I was more hurt by the fact that she did not feel comfortable enough to tell me before that moment or even OFF camera. We did not hang out together like ace boon coons (damn that is an old phrase LOL) but we were around each other enough that she should have been honest with me. I honestly thought we were working towards becoming friends and to hold onto something like that really bothered me.

Anyhoo, as I sat there trying to explain how hurt I was by all of it, she kept saying, “Well it is what it is” – that just did not sit well with me. I felt she should have more empathy and humility in bringing this to me. Even with that, I could have gotten past this moment, but as the discussion escalated she got more bravado and boisterous with me. I thought this was out of pocket because in my eyes, you were the one that was wrong. I did not know you from a can of paint when I came into this situation, but you knew who I was and who I had been married to. You told me about the mistress the first time I met you and just like you told her business, you should have been upfront about yours. This is how I felt. Although, as I said, I could have gotten past this moment. It was the “You were a non factor BITCH” comment that sent me over the edge. All I thought was, no she did not just betray me AND call me out of my name. I lost all control…

As I watched the episode for the second time, I thought to myself, she called me a bitch. Why did this push me to the point of putting my hands on this woman? What is it about that word that causes so many of us to lose it? Then I realized that this word is associated with so many negative connotations.

Usually the word ” bitch ” is associated with a woman who lacks self-respect, integrity, morals, and respect for others. It is used to slander someone and degrade them. It is a profane way to express anger when you cannot articulate yourself properly. Men use it as a derogatory way to categorize women who they feel have mistreated them, used them, cheated on them or downright abused them. This particular word is a way of calling a woman the lowest of the low.

Even women in business are identified as ” bitches ” when they exude power. It is quite sad that if a woman is articulate, intelligent, no nonsense, authoritative, brutally honest and demands respect; she is not viewed as a “power player” , but a bitch. If you analyze the many negative ways this word is used, you would certainly be offended by being called one.

I on the other hand have decided to put my own spin on the word. I choose not to relate the negative stereotype with the word. After all, I cannot fly off the deep end every time I hear it. So me and my friend came up with an acronym for the word that I can live with LOL. Something that is reflective of me and my personality. B.I.T.C.H. – Believing In Total and Complete Honesty. That is definitely me! This acronym is reflective of the person I have become. I have traveled a long journey and my willingness to be open and truthful have aided me along the way. I pride myself on keeping it 100 all the time! People always want the truth, but they cannot always handle it. They often consider me to be a “bitch” because of my honesty and realness. To this I say, “Yes, I am a B.I.T.C.H., you should want to be one too. “

Listen, I have lived 40 long hard years. I have been through so many trials and tribulations that have afforded me wisdom. At this stage of the game, I have nothing to prove and I only have to please myself. I will not allow anyone to alter my happiness nor will I allow ANYONE to disrespect me or not give me the things I believe I deserve. My strength is a part of my makeup at this age – my honesty and truthfulness is the only way I know how to be.

That is why I think so many of you relate to me because I am representative of everyday people. I am a single mother w/baby daddy issues, I get up and ride the train/bus to go to work like you do and I have my own flaws that I am working through-just like you. I have been up, down and standing in the middle now. I do not put on heirs or pretend to be something that I am not. I am just me – whether you like me or not, you have to respect my honesty. I can deliver the truth seriously, comically, spiritually and sometimes “tipsy” – but the truth is what you are going to get.

In order to be a true representative of Christ and try to help people, you have to be someone that people can relate to, understand, and listen to. You have to meet people where they are. I often say, you can not be so heavenly that you are NO earthly good…God cannot use you. I definitely want God to use me to inspire, encourage and enlighten. That is not by my being perfect, but by my showing my flaws and overcoming them through hope, prayer and faith. We are all going to make mistakes, I am just putting mine out there for the world to see me work through them. Through me, I hope you will come to know that Gods grace, mercy and favor endureth forever. This B.I.T.C.H. is a living testimony.

Just remember that being a real B.I.T.C.H. means your honesty and truth come from a place of love. I offer the truth to counsel, advise, share, enlighten and encourage. I offer my truth because I am not ashamed of it – all of the things I have gone through make me the person that I am today. I expect to be told the truth for the same reasons. God wanted me to travel this journey and I embrace it because I know that by my openness, I will help someone else. However, if you are being mean, spiteful, vindictive, manipulative with a version of the truth and trying to deliberately hurt someone – I do NOT stand behind that and you have ventured away from the acronym meaning and head first into the meaning I spoke of above.

Finally I say, if you running around claiming and professing to be ” real ” then be that ALL THE TIME, not when it is convenient. People have to be able to trust you and stand on your word. They need to know that not only can you “check”, but be checked. Being fake shows that you do not love yourself enough to stake your life on the truth. Will the real B.I.T.C.Hes please stand up!
” The truth, having nothing to fear, must be pursued relentlessly in every discipline “, is a quote from the Pepperdine Law School mission statement. It speaks volumes of how important the truth is in all aspects of our lives.

Keep a lookout for my book The B.I.T.C.H. Chronicles coming soon – so excited J

S/O to all the real B.I.T.C.Hes: Sandra Bernhard, Roseanne Barr, NeNe Leakes, Rosie O’Donnell, Joan Rivers, Chanita Foster, Dawn Nuefeld, Royce Reed, MuthaKnows, Laura Fogelman, Philana Boles, Mrs. Bridges, CosmoShek, MeccafromUptown, Patrice, Karla Lawrence, Shauna, Beverly Simmons, Tionna Smalls, Reagan Gomez, Wendy Williams, Lorna M., Koffee, Kim Ogletree, Mrs. Powell, Tamara, Angie McAlpine, T. Angie, Herlinda Boswell, Candice Reese, Tracy Blanchard, Yvette, Sydney Chase, Monique Gooden, Zena Benjamin, Alexandria Young and many more…

4 COMMENTS

  1. I like basketball wives but sometime i don't all the argue over nonsense make us look bad as afro-american woman and just woman in general.You are one of my favorite cause you get right too the point and I'm like that,,,The evelyn and jen situation I feel evelyn miss jen so Much cause when you see one you seen the other..And Evelyn can't let go and can't accept the fact that jen has start a new chapter in her Life just like she start a new chapter in her Life with chad.Hope everybody can work out there difference and still be friendsSTAY STRONG MY SISTER!!!!!

  2. Coaching for over 10 years has helped me see allot. I have seen the good and bad of how parents play a major role in a player’s growth. I have come up with a list of the top 7 major cautions that parents MUST be aware of when dealing with their son/daughter’s development.

    1.) The AAU Myth

    Every parent thinks that as long as their player is on a “AAU” or club team they are going to improve into the player they need to be. This is only partially true. You must be very selective in the team you choose. There is always the consideration of the coach. How do they practice? How much of their practice is dedicated to skill development? Playing a full summer schedule alone is not enough for your player to reach their max potential. There has to be a balance between game experience and skill development. Most would agree with me when I say that it should be about a 65% skill development to 35% game experience ratio.

    2.) Coach Dad/Mom

    I understand all parents mean well but there are ways that you can mean well and actually be more harmful than helpful. Parents seem to be very critical of their kid’s performance. I wish I had a nickel for every time I asked about a player’s performance and the parent responds with “he/she couldn’t do this or doesn’t know how to do this” or “I tell him to do this and he doesn’t get it…I don’t know what is wrong with him.” If they only knew the poison they are spreading. The worst part is most parent’s love to rip into their player right after games on the car ride home. Now the player has a negative mental association connected to playing poorly (or to the parent’s standards) and is always playing to meet that to avoid that terrible feeling of mom/dad berating them after a game. Which more than less leads to consistent poor performance. A parent’s role should be to provide support and be honest with their kid. Leave the critiquing to an expert, i.e. coach,. There are allot of factors that go into development. Yes, the player might have just worked on that skill the other day in practice but that doesn’t mean it is mastered yet. Like I said, it is ok to be honest with your player but support systems should be encouraging and motivating.

    3.) Only Train at Practice or With A Coach

    Our society has a very strong desire for instant or “microwave success”. “A and B together give me success…poof it should be overnight”. WRONG, WRONG AND WRONG. Yes A and B might work but with long hours of work, self discipline and desire. I have never met a player that played at the higher levels (college or pros) that didn’t put thousands of hours in the gym practicing their game. How much is your player practicing outside of practice and training with a coach. In most cases those times are for learning and understanding a skill or concept. The mastery comes from time spent alone…or with a parent who will rebound for the player. Parents you will have to invest into your child’s success but you can’t buy it. Money AND time will be needed for your player to grow. Parents should encourage their players to work on their game and give them an outlet to do so. Another helpful tactic is to teach the player time management skills and how to fit daily practice in their personal schedules. If you are a parent, take some time to soak these in and access where you might be able to better yourself. If you are coach, please share this with your parents. We will cover the next 3 cautions in the next couple of

    4.) Players Aren’t Being Students of the Game

    Let’s say your player is a one sport athlete. Basketball is their sport of choice. How much basketball are they watching? Are they watching what I like to call the “shoes and tattoos” or are they looking for the things they learned in practice that night? Players, kids especially, need to saturate themselves in learning the game through watching just as much training and playing. Parents need to encourage this. Even if the parent knows nothing about the sport they can still take the time to sit down and watch with their player. Now you also have some bonding time. I know allot of parents that may not know about the game but they pull the player’s awareness of what is happening out of them by asking the player to help them understand the game. Most of the times the parent ends up enjoying the game more because of what they learn. So it ends up being a win-win for both.

    5.) Injury Prevention or Lack of

    One of the biggest things I learned from working with the Silver Stars is the importance of taking care of athlete’s bodies. Something many parents neglect. This is a topic that I would encourage every parent to become more knowledgeable about. Learn the most common injuries for that sport, symptoms of the injury, and ways of prevention. The thing we have to remember is that not only are they players athletes but they are growing humans as well. Which usually means their bodies need more attention and caring than a adult. I know all parents think, “when I was a kid we would go all day and I was fine”. Well that’s probably true but “playing” and performing in a organized sport or two different animals. One, situation in particular that I’m not a fan of is the 5 to 6 games in 2 days players have to endure at these club tournaments. That is way too much wear and tear on bodies. And then most players go right into school season with no break. Parents be cautious on how many tournaments your players play in and give them down time after EVERY season.

    6.) Private Lessons at age 6

    Being a parent myself, I understand the desire to give your player the best advantage to be successful as soon as possible. But you have to think about what is the best thing for your player from not only a skill standpoint but human development as well. It kills me when parents ask for private lessons for their 6 year old child. In all honesty anything under 10 or 11 is pushing it. Not to say it can't be effective but what is the ultimate goal. Is it to have your player be the best at 10 or allow them to experience the opportunity of enjoying a sport for the first time amongst their friends? While learning the important life aspects of team work, communication, and the rest that comes with sports. Remember one of the best ways for a child to develop is through social interaction. These are things young players need to participating in…camps, clinics, teams, etc. There will be a place and time for them to be the best…but not at that age.

    Next week we will dive into the last and most crucial reason parents are destroying players progress. Until then take the time to reflect and see where you can better yourself as a parent of a young athlete.

    7.) Who’s Dream Is It?

    Being a professional or collegiate athlete is a very revered position in our society. What parent wouldn’t be proud of their child for working to such an elite and prestigious place? Of course there is the benefit of a possible college scholarship as well. Who wouldn’t want a $100,000 burden lifted from their responsibilities? For parents who have already accomplished this, many feel as is if they failed their children if they don't give them the same opportunity. Then there are the parents who never made it that far but wish they had. They now have their children to live the dream through.

    Whatever your position is you need to really monitor the source of your motivation to help your player succeed in their sport of choice. From my experiences, many parents start by just wanting their player to be good and then somewhere between the ages of 10 and 13 that all changes. Now it’s about being the best player in the school and they have to get a scholarship. This of course is without taking a fair assessment of their player’s ability. On average, there are about 6.9 million high school athletes each year. Only 254,000 will receive a college scholarship. How good is your player? Better yet, how hard is your player willing to work? Are they willing to do what it takes to be in that top 254,000 in the country that get a scholarship?

    Whatever the motive of the parent, the process of destruction seems to be very similar. It starts with the player enjoying the game and all of the practices and games the parent has them playing. It might even be a moderate amount to begin with. Somewhere in this time frame the parents starts feeling like the player should be doing more. This is usually when private lessons and teams or an additional team come into play. It is at this point that the players starts realizing how much it means to mom and/or dad for them to do well in their sport. Like most young children they want to please their parents. This stage of development is the first time the “monster gets fed”. Parents will start to become more critical or their player’s game. This is where you see the “coach” come out of them that we talked about in the first segment of this series (http://spartanpt.com/coaching-14/are-you-destroying-your-players-progress.html). The unfortunate part is that the parent now becomes more of a nag towards the player…a major deterrent.

    The other catalyst in that equation becomes the fact that now the parent is investing a great amount of money into their player’s development and training. This is where you tend to hear allot of things like “If I’m going to be investing all this money than they are definitely going to be working hard”. They tell things to their players like “I invested all this money into this season for you to play like that?” or “I’m not going to be spending all this money for you to play like____”…you can fill in the blank. This does a couple of very harmful things. One, creates more pressure for the player to perform and now for money reasons. Two, it brings the parents feelings towards money into it which allot of times can be very negative. It also teaches the player to have the same negative associations towards money. They start thinking that they don't perform well enough to be worth any money. You sure you want your child growing up to join the work force with that type of thought buried in their sub conscious?

    This part usually develops in the player’s last few years of middle school and multiplies through high school. Players start to really look at themselves and how far they will go with their sport in high school. Some make the decision that playing in college is absolutely what they want to do or they are content with hanging up their Jordan’s senior year of high school. Unfortunately, the talk with their parents about this decision doesn’t happen because they know how the parents feel and they don’t want to disappoint. This is where the cycle reaches its peak and at some point the levy breaks.

    The consequences that come when the situation is allowed to reach the melting point are usually severe and dangerous. Some just quit (which causes WWIII in their household) and others find ways to get themselves out of playing anymore in a negative way. I have seen D1 prospects that could have had their college of choice just give it up because they had completely lost the desire to play anymore. I have also seen everything from players getting in trouble on purpose to even something as wild as getting pregnant (this is meant from a both gender standpoint). Now they have a definite way of not having to play anymore because others won't let them. Although I haven’t seen any studies or followed up on any situations well enough, I can imagine there becomes some long term scars that develop from their situation.

    It conclusion, it is important to allow your player to make the decision as to whether or not they want to play their sport at the highest level. It also needs to be ok for the to communicate those desires to you.

    Coach Tim Springer

    Spartan Basketball

    "There is trained and there is untrained"
    http://www.spartanpt.com

  3. I just want to reinterate a few of the things you said Tami. I completely agree with you on the fact the Evelyn was totally out of line and disrespectful to you. You better than me girl cause I (unfortnately) would've been locked up for A+B.(Lol) You and I are sooooo much alike. Just real. I don't cut corners, sugarcoat, or tell little white lies to be a part of anything and what she did is not cool. She should've talked to you about the fling she had with your ex like a real woman…….and in private. But at least you know now that she can't be trusted. Far be it form me to say that I've never done anything wrong to a friend or potential friend but that type thing I can say I've never done. Remember this every saint has a past and every sinner has a future but for stunts like her if she keeps that up, I don't know how much or how good of a future she's gonna have. What goes around comes back around again and remember……….she is with an another athlete now. Karma is no joke!!!!! Ha! Ha! You and Shaunie are my absolute favorites on the show.The definition of a REAL woman! Keep ya head up boo and just know that all females aren't like her.

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