Since Donald Trump’s election, it has felt hopeless staring down the barrel of the rise of fascism, feeling as if nothing we do or say is being heard by our government.
But I, however, will not stand down. So I came up with these rude and crude nicknames for our president that, sadly, did not have the affect on the Trump administration I imagined they would.
1. The Cheeto
I referred to Donald Trump as this in an elevator with coworkers and everyone loved it. Huge laugh. I was king of the elevator and I thought I finally had him dead to rights. But alas, he still signed an executive order as the president of the United States later that day.
2. Orange Imbecile
I tweeted “You, sir, are an orange imbecile. Good day to you!” at President Trump on Monday morning and thought, “This is it. This is the one that’s finally going to put an end to this.” Though it got a few likes and one retweet from an account named “SEXNOWSEX938398” I turned on the news later that evening to see that he was still president, and that my tweet seemed to have no affect at all on his actions.
3. President Tiny Hands
I said “Donald Trump? You mean President Tiny Hands?” on a first date. She smiled politely but didn’t react with uproarious joy as I thought she might. Later that night Donald Trump was still president and Jennifer had yet to reply to my text asking her out on a second date. Why?
4. Pumpkin Trump
I lofted this beauty of a takedown over text messages to Jennifer, whom I had went on a date with the night prior. She must’ve been very busy because she did not reply, and on top of that, Donald Trump was still very quickly undoing progressive legislation as president of the United States.
6. Fake Tan Donald
I playfully referred to President Trump as “Fake Tan Donald” to my roommate Felix, repeatedly, through his locked door. But I think he was too busy or something because he didn’t reply or acknowledge me, even after I knocked on the door for a few minutes.
I tried to say it again when he briefly emerged to leave but he said, “Tyler why don’t you stop coming up with these nicknames and actually go protest or call your congressperson or something,” before I could utter the brutal nickname once more.
It was a shame to see this vicious takedown go unheard. I thought maybe that just thinking the phrase would offer something in the form of resistance, yet, I turned on the news to see that Fake Tan Donald (LOL) was still acting president of the United States of America.
6. Agent Orange
Sadly nobody heard me say “Looks like Agent Orange is at it again” after President Trump had signed yet another executive order that will assuredly cause unimaginable hardships for thousands of people, as my roommate Felix had moved out the night prior without saying why. I was home from work early because I had just been fired for incompetence and I decided to hit the hay at 4:29 p.m.
I launched out this baby to every prospective roommate that came to look at Felix’s old room, and though it got some smiles, Trump was still ranting against hostile nations on Twitter that same day. Also, none of the prospective roommates made offers on the room, and wouldn’t return my many phone calls. I assume they were all very busy.
I cleverly was able to deduce that “Trump” and “Pumpkin” are easily combinable into one savage barb. I used it with ferocity during a conversation with my landlord as I was being evicted for failing to pay rent. He didn’t even give me a chuckle and instead explained how I should donate to the ACLU, which helps protects the rights and liberties of people across the country.
“Trumpkin” was my best name yet, but as I was looking for a bench to sleep on for the night, I found a newspaper in which I was informed Donald Trump was still president of the United States, and still trying to pass his horrendous health care bill that would leave millions uninsured.
9. Donald Covfefe
I said this to my mom upon emerging from her basement where I had just recently moved in, thinking this was finally the jibe that brought him down for good. While she recommended I spend my time volunteering for a cause or supporting those looking to unseat Paul Ryan, she didn’t seem to find the nickname as amusing as I had anticipated, and to my astonishment, Donald Trump was still sitting in the Oval Office, provoking North Korea on Twitter, or worse.
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