Having kids changes everything, and that includes your sex life.
Indeed, intimacy can be a big challenge for parents, who have to worry about interruptions, scheduling challenges and sleep deprivation.
But at least you can laugh about it. Here are 29 funny tweets from parents who know the all-too-real struggle of sex after kids.
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
Since becoming parents, the thing my wife and I do naked most often is to fall asleep while discussing the possibility of having sex.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 14, 2013
Tell the father of your children you need to “go potty” ensuring he’ll never want to have sex with you ever again.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 13, 2016
Google before kids: “Cool sex moves”
Google after kids: “LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3”
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) October 7, 2015
My bed always looks just as messy now as it did in college. Except it used to be from wild sex & now it’s from wild children jumping on it.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) September 20, 2014
Instead of a cigarette after sex I usually just mumble stuff like “my back hurts” or “are you getting up with the kids tomorrow?”.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 19, 2013
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
“We need to check the kids for lice” and “please buy tampons”.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 10, 2016
“What’s it like to have sex without covering up with the sheets in case someone walks in?” – Parents
— JustLinda (@LindaInDisguise) April 4, 2015
Doctor: No sex for 6 weeks after birth
Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow?
Doctor: Please tell me you’re not the father.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2015
So sick of blog posts with titles like: Parents tell what sex is really like after having kids.
I’m over here thinking, “There’s sex?”
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 1, 2016
I’m on a special birth control called “working and married with kids and too damn tired and drowning in chores” for sex.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) November 23, 2015
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot.
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams “HEADS UP!”
— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015
Him: Why can’t we ever hv spontaneous sex?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you met. Children, c’mere! I want to introduce you to your father.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) September 15, 2014
We just had sex on our kids’ Christmas stocking stuffers. Parents of the year, right here.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) December 20, 2014
What’s worse than your parents talking to you about sex? Your kids leaving for sleepovers, saying: “Hey, now you & dad can have sex!”
— Sarah T. (@SarahThyre) November 25, 2012
I don’t know why I own any white clothing. I have young children. It’s an exercise in complete futility.
Like clean floors.
Or a sex life
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 25, 2016
Married sext: Kids are playing in the snow… quick lets have couch sex.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) February 1, 2014
Doctor: No sex for 6 weeks after birth.
Me: But mouth stuff is OK, right?
*doctor and wife exchange looks*
Doctor: No sex for 12 weeks.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2015
Ways to get sex after 12yrs of marriage:
1. Take out bins
2. “I’ll have the kids so you can have you-time”
3. Put petrol in car
4. Buy gin
— Claire Smith (@MinistryOfMum) December 30, 2015
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.
— Sarah T. (@SarahThyre) November 20, 2013
“Mmm that feels good, baby. You took out the garbage, right? Mmm so good.”
~ married sex
— snowjob (@canadasandra) March 19, 2014
Thank God for DVDs… Cause how else would parents have sex?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 25, 2015
After the kids go to bed, my husband and I like to play video games. Just kidding. We like to have sex.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 10, 2017
It was a lot easier to hide sex from my parents when I was a teenager than it is to hide sex from my kids as an adult. Maybe I’m too loud.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 15, 2014
Old dude from “50 Shades of Gray” is lame for insinuating parents don’t do hot, dirty sex. I mean, we don’t. But we COULD.
— Zulkey (@Zulkey) February 5, 2015
Also, any desire to have sex completely gone because sugar drunk children at bedtime are amazing birth control.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) January 20, 2013
The “no sex for 6 weeks after birth” rule isn’t to help women. That’s just how long it takes guys to forget what they saw come out of there.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014
The Great Sahara, but it’s just a documentary on what happens to your sex life after marriage & kids.
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 6, 2015
I will be live tweeting the next time I have sex.
I’ve been married for 10 years and have three kids…don’t hold your breath.
— Fishy Snowboarder (@FishySnowborder) March 5, 2013